how beautiful she is, over there playing with her kids

i feel so guilty when i interrupt her just to beg for a kiss

its a different feeling i would say, to date someone who you know

could never love u more than anyone else at any time. i suppose

that for some its not as hard as it is for me right now

i gotta swallow my pride, close my mouth and bite down

who am i to say “hey i crave ur love too!”

cause they need it but i fiend it, to hear them words “i love you”

and even if she said them, i know that ill never be first

and no matter how much i say it doesnt, i know itll always hurt

~me

They allow me to experience things i prolly never would in real life like alien invasions, tsunamis, nuclear wars , freestyling with jayz. I love my dreams SO IF IM DREAMING DONT WAKE ME UP!

the hardest part about being in my current situation in life is not the fact that i cant feed my self regularly, its not me being unable to buy my self new clothes, or unable to go out somewhere… i have been broke before as a child and these things are minor set backs.. i can have sleep for dinner thats fine FOR ME.

but the worst and hardest thing is seeing someone u love in need of help, see them hurt, crying, or in a weird situation and me not having the power to help them.. that to me is the hardest thing.

im far from selfish. ill give my last dollar, my last bite, my only blanket, my only jacket to someone who i love who needs it.. to me thats never a problem.

but being unable to assist them when they need it the most breaks my heart.

in an attempt to get my life back i am going on a 40 days and 40 nights of cleansing.

in the bible and ancient times, 40 days was often used to describe many things (mainly because thats how they were able to keep track of the solar year) so in many biblical stories 40 days was often used. when moses went up in mountains and came back with the commandments, Noah and the arch, jesus time in the desert before he started on his journey of preaching. etc.

so here i go on my 40 Days & 40 Nights. with most of the tie spent studying religiously for my nursing license and also career, but also time to better myself as a person. i will exercise, eat better, no soda, or alcohol, no candy. no fast food. basically ridding my mind and body of any toxins that are harmful to me.

there are many other things that i will be doing but mainly those. this is a big year and i cant afford wasting too much time this year…

TIME TO GET MY LIFE BACK

today i    woke up   super early. I have trouble sleeping when I drink a lot the night before.  Talked to my dad then knocked out again.

today i    dreamt of  unicorns and ashtrays… nah im lying.. I really don’t remember.

today i    felt    this like knot in my throat I cant get out. Like if I need to burp but I cant. Get it out. And my gma likes to leave the soda bottle tops loose so it looses the bubbles cause she says it hurts… “THEN WHY THE FUCK DO U ALWAYS ASK ME TO BUY U THAT SHIT?”

today i    wrote this listing to  Juice.. “its lovely”… if u don’t know who he is and claim to be a freestyle type of writer, then ur an idiot. lol

today i    didn’t do much cause I didn’t feel good. But I finally got my code from school. So ill take the test like the end of feb. I have 40 days to get back to nurse status.. expect me on here less.

today i   went to the post office and seen this beautiful lil girl I used to coach. Her, her sister and my sister used to run around during my bball games growing up.. they used to look a lot alike.. they they could make a girl band or something. Anyhow I have known her her whole life. Glad she is doing well. My sister might be going to school with her. Im happy my sister will know someone at this new school.

today i   went to Weinersnitczhel with the gf. Got those .99cent chilli dogs = heaven!

today i   tried to have a Friday the 13^th marathon with my gf.. we only watched the 3^rd one.. she was so scared at the end that she hid under the blankets lol

today i   had abuelita hot chocolate.. if u never had it u never had good hot cocoa

today i   started going thru old notebooks as my gf slept. Wow, it was like time traveling into someones mind I knew so well but somewhere along the way I forgot about. No one can ever motivate me more than my self.. I truly inspire myself.

today i   was asked to go to this bar with my gf and her fam. I said yes but only if its after the Clippers whoop on the Lakers. They said no.. I don’t think im goin to the bar tomorrow. Just saying

today i   finished this at 315 with my gf sleeping right in front of me.. and for the record. She snores =]

quote of the day

fight if its worth fighting for. Leave if its not. The world is mine to conquer.. shit why the hell not?

(this is a real story/occurrence… its sweet yet funny situation that happened to me in may 03, 2009) *this is an actual text i sent to this girl. it was like 30 text long.

God has the best sense of humor i have ever known. i am at the bus stop brainstorming for a song i am writing about this girl (ex gf) over the Kanye West “Say you Will” song. and i find myself liking this part about me wanting to tell this girl things but i didnt want a response. i just wanna know if she was doing good.

then when i restart the song,  about a min into it, the bus arrives. i jump on the bus and the moment i attempt to sit down i feel my heart fall cause the same girl im writing bout is across the bus from me with the same scared unprepared look in her that i have myself. so trying to be the bigger person i walked over to her and asked if any one was sitting next to her and i took the seat. we chatted, i showed her who big sean was. as i looked away she took a pic of me and i caught her but played it off like i didnt notice.

so we chat and 5 mins later our brief visit is over. the funny thing is i was unable to finish the sad dark song because i realized how beautiful the day was. so i got home and decided i wanted to leave and feel more of the sunlight. i took the metro blue line to long beach and the whole train ride, the whole time there and the whole way back i thought of how my day would have been if i was with her and i found myself looking at things would of liked, laughing at things she would laugh at.

(me at the light house at the marina in Long Beach)

on the train back home there were these two couples to my left and the whole time going home the guys were holding the girls with their eyes closed and the women were holding them so dearly. i can tell by looking at the guys they wanted nothing more than to stay in the current position for the rest of their lives.

i sat their smiling at them then i felt a sudden emptiness. in the seat next to me, in my arms. everything. and the craziest thing about it was all i could think of was this cute girl on the bus that made me laugh and did the sweetest thing ever (take the pic). i get home and start staring at these old pics and at this smile i missed. a smile i miss being the reason for.

unknowingly wat the consequence this text might produce, i decided to write this because it was apparent that the girl on the bus has got a hold on me. and im afraid of her cause i am afraid of wat i have done, created and now have to live thru. i guess wat i am really trying to say is i dont want a response, a call or anything cause i feel more alive and better in those few mins on the bus than i have the last few months.

i am happy ur happy but too afraid to know anything else because i know it will hurt more than anything else. ignorance is bliss and wat was said and wasnt said was perfect and thats how i always want to remember you.

i hope u have a great everything.

ur truly the mysterious fauxhawk guy.

for i am lazy

well wait let me do it here

no song of the day

no quote

i dreamt of my step moms family. kinda weird.. my step moms mom was trying to make me eat her out.. i said fuck that. id rather have my dad beat my ass. lol

today i took out the tree

i seen the new house my mom and sister were thinking of moving into. nice house. huge yard, living room and kitchen/dinning room.. small ass bed rooms.

i went to that Clippers vs heat game. hella fun. too much fun. free food and drinks.. fucking awesome

 i wrote this at almost 430 am.

i am the only and coolest clipper fan u know

i wore my glasses cause im blind. i seen chris rock, rihanna, martin lawrence, tyga, baby and damon wayans all for the first time ever.

ate a quesadilla. trimmed my hair too look decent for the land lady for my moms new place. but still have a fro. im 190. 11 pounds away from  hair cut time.

hmmm

im goint o sleep . im lazy

thats my today i … fast food version

today i    woke up   same time.. im getting tired of writing it.. so imam stop. Talk to my dad again. Same shit. Different lines. Fml. I cant wait till I can come up with a good enough excuse so I can stop doing it

today i    woke up again to my mom to take care of the dog again.. except to day that lil shit was more annoying. Fucking up my sleep

today i    felt   pissed, mad, relieved, energized, lazy, motivated, buzzed

today i    wrote this listing to  “bet u want me now” by Dom Kennedy.. if u don’t like Dom then u don’t like ur own mom

today i    got news that my test for my license wont be for at least another month.. kinda sucks but maybe a blessing in disguise.. at least I hope so.

today i   watched my clippers lose =[ they played hard just couldn’t get over that hump

today i   had a drink at half time and been kinda drinking sense.. I say kinda cause I never got drunk just buzzed then tried to stay buzzed but failed miserably and just got a head ache

today i   got news the fagget that stole my ipod almost OD’d and pushed my gma on the floor.. I just wish he was clean or just away form the family so he couldn’t hurt no one.

today i   heard my dads voice hit this low scary tone when I told him of the druggie causing havoc in his home.. he sounded like he wanted someone dead.

today i   got news from my aunt that I will go to the clipper game tomorrow. Fucking happy

today i   didn’t get too much more of respiratory done.. kinda lagged it

today i   wrote this at 330 am.. my sleeping patterns are getting worse

today i   bought food from trader joes.. and im craving this like cheese wrapped in like meat that I bought.. ill eat it tomorrow so fuckin good

today i   feel asleep watching hawthorne again. But I like the nurse focus.. hospital work is 95% nurse 5% doctor.. but most shows do it opposite. Hawthorne is more realistic.

quote of the day

Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can accomplish what others can’t. -Jerry Rice

today i    woke up    to the same annoying call at the same exact time every damn day.. its like I expect it soo much I wake up before the call even happens. Then after that annoying 3-6 mins. I fell asleep again

today i    got woken up by my mom to go to her house cause the handyman at her apts was goin to fix something. She  feels weird with him. Any how gma went and I baby sat Einstein, score!

today i    dreamt of    … shit nothing that I can remember.. I think it was another dream about this dam test. Man fuck this is taking forever

today i    felt    hungry, tired, motivated, then lazy, annoyed, happy, bored, horny

today i    wrote this listing to   nothing. Because imam fuckin G like that. Didn’t really have any song on replay all day. Except that new Jay-z song he wrote bout his new baby girl

today i    thought plenty things. Most of which I forgot. But I did come up with a great quote I know I did but I forgot.. basically had to do with everything being in ur hands

today i    watched an episode of house while studying.

today i   was reading the chapter cause my lazy ass lost my cheat notes. 3 hours later 4 pages in.. its hard to remember this amount of info in this short span of time.

today i    said fuck it and cleaned a section of my room I knew the cheat notes were in. I saved the cheap notes. And push all the clothes back in the corner

today i    ate salmon and friend bananas. Both we pretty good.. in life I think uneed salmon at least twice a week. Fuckin delish

today i    stayed in my house most of the day. I did go outside to get the mail and take out the trash. All in all pretty boring day

today i    seen my sister. We hadn’t talked in a few days.. she still loves me

today i    offered a hand by a friend. He always helps me out. He asked me to join him in drinks and food to watch the clippers game on wed. I said his. But im now thinking its not worth the chaos

today i    wrote this at about 2 am. Im bout to watch Hawthorne. A nursing tv show that was on for about 3 seasons.. just kinda wanna get life from more of a nursing perspective. Too many doctors not enough nurses on tv. But yet nurses do all the damn work.

today i    spoke to my cousin who is also in a tough situation and shared our wars stories. In the end I was assured “these problems are the right ones to have”

tomorrow I  will watch the clipper game from my chair, and finish most of respiratory.

Good night

quote of the day

I see life like this… u win a lot, u lose some. Then u get pissed off cause u lost, so u work harder so when u play again u win some more.

today i    woke up at 8am  still drunk from last night. Cotton mouth like a mf. I swear these hang over mornings are getting worse. I went back to sleep.

today i   woke up again so I can give my dad the lines.. I fuckin hate this shit.. I talk to my dad more than I ever had before. But I hate it more than ever.

today i    dreamt of   cholos. And I was running away from these fire crackers that started going off in a hotels parking lot.. weird dream.

today i   finally woke up at 1pm looking at a beautiful girl (my gf) and decided to put my Morning Glory to use lol.

today i    felt    hung over, tired, hungry, happy, man, annoyed, mad, confused,

today i    wrote this listing to   “stay scheming “ by Rick Ross and drake. 

today i    thought of how when people get old, and have no more goals, or dreams, they are just angry people. They are always mad about something, and talk a lot of shit, but mainly because they really have nothing to do

today i    turned on the tv the moment I got out of bed. I knew it was Tebow time

today i   was rooting for the Brocos (aka the tebows) because I hate steelers fans as much as I hate laker fans.. fuckin annoying.

today i    truly thought the broncos would lose. Esp with like 3 mins left and it was steelers ball. But then I seen the power of the lord and Tebow did was he does. Amen!  (im not serious of course)

today i    was really excited for the game. Its been a long time since a football game made me get out of my seat like that.

today i    I ate papusas de huerta. My gf tried to explain to me wat was in them. I kinda zoned out 15 secs into her explanation. My A.D.D. is at an all time high.

today i    had a drink of beer but I didn’t get drunk. Just one beer with the food.

today i    had the urge to drink at 11 pm. But I didn’t. I guess that’s some sort of discipline.

today i    watched TRON for like the umpteenth time.. I fuckin love that movie.

today i    read some old “Today i”s “ from a time when they were written more consistently. I had some tough times back then.

today i    laid down with my gf and watched “the inbetweeners” the tv show.. we loved their movie. And their show is just as funny.

today i    was told how much I don’t hug or squeeze someone. I think some people are too concerned about wat they think they aren’t getting they don’t appreciate anything else. Sucks really

today i    couldn’t figure out wat to watch as I fell asleep. As I close this out, the options are, “House”, Hawthorne, … ill flip a coin

today i finished writing this at 3:40 am.

 song of the day

Stay Scheming- Rick Ross ft Drake, French Montana

quote of the day

“bitch you wasn’t with me shooting in the gym”~ Drake, on Vanessa, Kobes ex wife, getting 150 milli from kobe

Less smoking, More breathing

Less drinking, More thinking

Less planning, More doing

Less fear, More courage

Less eating, More running around wildly

Less texting, More speaking

Less talking, More listening

Less shallow small talk, More conversations

Less fighting, More loving

Less blaming, More forgiving

Less dreaming, More doing

Less doubting More believing

Less crying, More trying

Less writing, More freestyle

Less negative, More positive

Less social networking, and More SOCIAL NETWORKING

Less attic, More world

Less Movies, More living

Less simple, More creative

Less instant pleasure, More long term fulfillment

Less watching, More doing

Less wondering, More figuring out

Less from a distance, More hands on

Less settling, More demanding

Less cup of noodles, More sushi

Less fantasy league, More playing

Less complaining, More appreciating

Less technology, More nature

Less phone calls, More visits

Less facebook, More face to face

Less Sleeping, More achieving

Less excuses, More effort

Less receiving, More giving