how beautiful she is, over there playing with her kids
i feel so guilty when i interrupt her just to beg for a kiss
its a different feeling i would say, to date someone who you know
could never love u more than anyone else at any time. i suppose
that for some its not as hard as it is for me right now
i gotta swallow my pride, close my mouth and bite down
who am i to say “hey i crave ur love too!”
cause they need it but i fiend it, to hear them words “i love you”
and even if she said them, i know that ill never be first
and no matter how much i say it doesnt, i know itll always hurt
They allow me to experience things i prolly never would in real life like alien invasions, tsunamis, nuclear wars , freestyling with jayz. I love my dreams SO IF IM DREAMING DONT WAKE ME UP!
the hardest part about being in my current situation in life is not the fact that i cant feed my self regularly, its not me being unable to buy my self new clothes, or unable to go out somewhere… i have been broke before as a child and these things are minor set backs.. i can have sleep for dinner thats fine FOR ME.
but the worst and hardest thing is seeing someone u love in need of help, see them hurt, crying, or in a weird situation and me not having the power to help them.. that to me is the hardest thing.
im far from selfish. ill give my last dollar, my last bite, my only blanket, my only jacket to someone who i love who needs it.. to me thats never a problem.
but being unable to assist them when they need it the most breaks my heart.
i have had several sanctuaries in my life since i was a kid…
any basketball court anywhere.. doesnt even need a good rim. just a basket and a ball.. and i was zoned….
then as i got older it was a pool hall.. didnt even have to be a pool hall.. just a place with a decent table,
after the pool hall it was a recording studio.. a place where i can jsut let out all my emotion. of course accompanied by a good alcoholic beverage and i was set
for a few months i started running.. i reallly liked it.. i was able to zone out.. not think about too much and just run.. but i always find a good excuse not to run.
these days i dont have one.. id say my room. but how depressing is that… i need to get back to that one that… that one thing that can take my mind off of things when the world is crumbling around me.
you asked me what today was, asked if i knew what today was and asked if i remembered ….
like if i ever forgot
that day was once the most important day in my life.. it was the day i looked forward to more than any other day i ever lived… it was a date i had marked on my calender and worked hard everyday to make sure i was prepared for that day….
and even though god had other plans and that day fell thru it was still a sacred date…
then one day u used it as the biggest lie, you used it as the biggest excuse, you went ahead and took away every single good thought that came with that date… u used the sacred date and the reason for it as an excuse…
and the funny thing i believed u
but the truth is u lied. and u ripped my heart out…
now that day no longer means anythign to me.. its a day i wished was skipped on the calender each year.. its a day i dont even think about any more…
the only thing that day reminds me of is how u used the most sacred day as an excuse… now that day is nothing but pain and a reminder of how low u can go to tell a lie…
there are a few things i miss out there… but none as much as playing pool…
there was something about those pool halls, the sound of breaking a fresh rack, the way ur hands get blue from over applying chalk. the way the lights are dim, but the lights on ur table are nice and bright. those jukebox’s, cigerrette smoke. the sounds of people people talking loud but unable to make out wat they are saying…
see they say in life wen u do things over and over again u no longer realize u are doing them ur mind goes in autopilot. it becomes a form of hypnosis. just like when u are driving. i use to love playing pool. it was so relaxing.. if i couldnt sleeped id go in at 1230 am.. play till 4 am. non stop by myself.. or with other people. i loved the competitiveness. the comrodary. i used to be able to look at a table and run it thru in my head. shot for shot before i even took the first shot. and then i would reenact what i predicted.. damn i miss it.. a real game of thinking. its an art.
my first piece of furniture i ever buy for my first house will be a pool table. and when i look for a house.. while my wife looks for a place to pugt the tv or couch.. ill be looking if the place could have a nice pool table in it..
so i have been failing miserably at it…
due to laziness, alcoholism, delicious food, and my ADD…
but i have moved my room around and cleaned it… it was long over due
lost 5 pounds instead of the 15 i was hoping for this month.
so mean there has been some progress but not nearly as much as i had hoped for…
well time to play catch up
in an attempt to get my life back i am going on a 40 days and 40 nights of cleansing.
in the bible and ancient times, 40 days was often used to describe many things (mainly because thats how they were able to keep track of the solar year) so in many biblical stories 40 days was often used. when moses went up in mountains and came back with the commandments, Noah and the arch, jesus time in the desert before he started on his journey of preaching. etc.
so here i go on my 40 Days & 40 Nights. with most of the tie spent studying religiously for my nursing license and also career, but also time to better myself as a person. i will exercise, eat better, no soda, or alcohol, no candy. no fast food. basically ridding my mind and body of any toxins that are harmful to me.
there are many other things that i will be doing but mainly those. this is a big year and i cant afford wasting too much time this year…
TIME TO GET MY LIFE BACK
today i woke up super early. I have trouble sleeping when I drink a lot the night before. Talked to my dad then knocked out again.
today i dreamt of unicorns and ashtrays… nah im lying.. I really don’t remember.
today i felt this like knot in my throat I cant get out. Like if I need to burp but I cant. Get it out. And my gma likes to leave the soda bottle tops loose so it looses the bubbles cause she says it hurts… “THEN WHY THE FUCK DO U ALWAYS ASK ME TO BUY U THAT SHIT?”
today i wrote this listing to Juice.. “its lovely”… if u don’t know who he is and claim to be a freestyle type of writer, then ur an idiot. lol
today i didn’t do much cause I didn’t feel good. But I finally got my code from school. So ill take the test like the end of feb. I have 40 days to get back to nurse status.. expect me on here less.
today i went to the post office and seen this beautiful lil girl I used to coach. Her, her sister and my sister used to run around during my bball games growing up.. they used to look a lot alike.. they they could make a girl band or something. Anyhow I have known her her whole life. Glad she is doing well. My sister might be going to school with her. Im happy my sister will know someone at this new school.
today i went to Weinersnitczhel with the gf. Got those .99cent chilli dogs = heaven!
today i tried to have a Friday the 13th marathon with my gf.. we only watched the 3rd one.. she was so scared at the end that she hid under the blankets lol
today i had abuelita hot chocolate.. if u never had it u never had good hot cocoa
today i started going thru old notebooks as my gf slept. Wow, it was like time traveling into someones mind I knew so well but somewhere along the way I forgot about. No one can ever motivate me more than my self.. I truly inspire myself.
today i was asked to go to this bar with my gf and her fam. I said yes but only if its after the Clippers whoop on the Lakers. They said no.. I don’t think im goin to the bar tomorrow. Just saying
today i finished this at 315 with my gf sleeping right in front of me.. and for the record. She snores =]
quote of the day
fight if its worth fighting for. Leave if its not. The world is mine to conquer.. shit why the hell not?
(this is a real story/occurrence… its sweet yet funny situation that happened to me in may 03, 2009) *this is an actual text i sent to this girl. it was like 30 text long.
God has the best sense of humor i have ever known. i am at the bus stop brainstorming for a song i am writing about this girl (ex gf) over the Kanye West “Say you Will” song. and i find myself liking this part about me wanting to tell this girl things but i didnt want a response. i just wanna know if she was doing good.
then when i restart the song, about a min into it, the bus arrives. i jump on the bus and the moment i attempt to sit down i feel my heart fall cause the same girl im writing bout is across the bus from me with the same scared unprepared look in her that i have myself. so trying to be the bigger person i walked over to her and asked if any one was sitting next to her and i took the seat. we chatted, i showed her who big sean was. as i looked away she took a pic of me and i caught her but played it off like i didnt notice.
so we chat and 5 mins later our brief visit is over. the funny thing is i was unable to finish the sad dark song because i realized how beautiful the day was. so i got home and decided i wanted to leave and feel more of the sunlight. i took the metro blue line to long beach and the whole train ride, the whole time there and the whole way back i thought of how my day would have been if i was with her and i found myself looking at things would of liked, laughing at things she would laugh at.
(me at the light house at the marina in Long Beach)
on the train back home there were these two couples to my left and the whole time going home the guys were holding the girls with their eyes closed and the women were holding them so dearly. i can tell by looking at the guys they wanted nothing more than to stay in the current position for the rest of their lives.
i sat their smiling at them then i felt a sudden emptiness. in the seat next to me, in my arms. everything. and the craziest thing about it was all i could think of was this cute girl on the bus that made me laugh and did the sweetest thing ever (take the pic). i get home and start staring at these old pics and at this smile i missed. a smile i miss being the reason for.
unknowingly wat the consequence this text might produce, i decided to write this because it was apparent that the girl on the bus has got a hold on me. and im afraid of her cause i am afraid of wat i have done, created and now have to live thru. i guess wat i am really trying to say is i dont want a response, a call or anything cause i feel more alive and better in those few mins on the bus than i have the last few months.
i am happy ur happy but too afraid to know anything else because i know it will hurt more than anything else. ignorance is bliss and wat was said and wasnt said was perfect and thats how i always want to remember you.
i hope u have a great everything.
ur truly the mysterious fauxhawk guy.
for i am lazy
well wait let me do it here
no song of the day
i dreamt of my step moms family. kinda weird.. my step moms mom was trying to make me eat her out.. i said fuck that. id rather have my dad beat my ass. lol
today i took out the tree
i seen the new house my mom and sister were thinking of moving into. nice house. huge yard, living room and kitchen/dinning room.. small ass bed rooms.
i went to that Clippers vs heat game. hella fun. too much fun. free food and drinks.. fucking awesome
i wrote this at almost 430 am.
i am the only and coolest clipper fan u know
i wore my glasses cause im blind. i seen chris rock, rihanna, martin lawrence, tyga, baby and damon wayans all for the first time ever.
ate a quesadilla. trimmed my hair too look decent for the land lady for my moms new place. but still have a fro. im 190. 11 pounds away from hair cut time.
im goint o sleep . im lazy
thats my today i … fast food version
today i woke up same time.. im getting tired of writing it.. so imam stop. Talk to my dad again. Same shit. Different lines. Fml. I cant wait till I can come up with a good enough excuse so I can stop doing it
today i woke up again to my mom to take care of the dog again.. except to day that lil shit was more annoying. Fucking up my sleep
today i felt pissed, mad, relieved, energized, lazy, motivated, buzzed
today i wrote this listing to “bet u want me now” by Dom Kennedy.. if u don’t like Dom then u don’t like ur own mom
today i got news that my test for my license wont be for at least another month.. kinda sucks but maybe a blessing in disguise.. at least I hope so.
today i watched my clippers lose =[ they played hard just couldn’t get over that hump
today i had a drink at half time and been kinda drinking sense.. I say kinda cause I never got drunk just buzzed then tried to stay buzzed but failed miserably and just got a head ache
today i got news the fagget that stole my ipod almost OD’d and pushed my gma on the floor.. I just wish he was clean or just away form the family so he couldn’t hurt no one.
today i heard my dads voice hit this low scary tone when I told him of the druggie causing havoc in his home.. he sounded like he wanted someone dead.
today i got news from my aunt that I will go to the clipper game tomorrow. Fucking happy
today i didn’t get too much more of respiratory done.. kinda lagged it
today i wrote this at 330 am.. my sleeping patterns are getting worse
today i bought food from trader joes.. and im craving this like cheese wrapped in like meat that I bought.. ill eat it tomorrow so fuckin good
today i feel asleep watching hawthorne again. But I like the nurse focus.. hospital work is 95% nurse 5% doctor.. but most shows do it opposite. Hawthorne is more realistic.
quote of the day
Today I will do what others won’t, so tomorrow I can accomplish what others can’t. -Jerry Rice
today i woke up to the same annoying call at the same exact time every damn day.. its like I expect it soo much I wake up before the call even happens. Then after that annoying 3-6 mins. I fell asleep again
today i got woken up by my mom to go to her house cause the handyman at her apts was goin to fix something. She feels weird with him. Any how gma went and I baby sat Einstein, score!
today i dreamt of … shit nothing that I can remember.. I think it was another dream about this dam test. Man fuck this is taking forever
today i felt hungry, tired, motivated, then lazy, annoyed, happy, bored, horny
today i wrote this listing to nothing. Because imam fuckin G like that. Didn’t really have any song on replay all day. Except that new Jay-z song he wrote bout his new baby girl
today i thought plenty things. Most of which I forgot. But I did come up with a great quote I know I did but I forgot.. basically had to do with everything being in ur hands
today i watched an episode of house while studying.
today i was reading the chapter cause my lazy ass lost my cheat notes. 3 hours later 4 pages in.. its hard to remember this amount of info in this short span of time.
today i said fuck it and cleaned a section of my room I knew the cheat notes were in. I saved the cheap notes. And push all the clothes back in the corner
today i ate salmon and friend bananas. Both we pretty good.. in life I think uneed salmon at least twice a week. Fuckin delish
today i stayed in my house most of the day. I did go outside to get the mail and take out the trash. All in all pretty boring day
today i seen my sister. We hadn’t talked in a few days.. she still loves me
today i offered a hand by a friend. He always helps me out. He asked me to join him in drinks and food to watch the clippers game on wed. I said his. But im now thinking its not worth the chaos
today i wrote this at about 2 am. Im bout to watch Hawthorne. A nursing tv show that was on for about 3 seasons.. just kinda wanna get life from more of a nursing perspective. Too many doctors not enough nurses on tv. But yet nurses do all the damn work.
today i spoke to my cousin who is also in a tough situation and shared our wars stories. In the end I was assured “these problems are the right ones to have”
tomorrow I will watch the clipper game from my chair, and finish most of respiratory.
quote of the day
I see life like this… u win a lot, u lose some. Then u get pissed off cause u lost, so u work harder so when u play again u win some more.